Finely Woven: Song Story

It started one time when I was fooling around on my ukulele, probably a Saturday because that's when I rest from the week and sing lots of songs and talk to God. Usually when I start songs, I create what I think is a pretty tune and accompany it with whatever gibberish comes to mind (often nonsensical phrases with a life lesson behind it). I  half-heartedly attempted to produce intelligent lyrics, but was sadly unsuccessful. Months later I travelled to Bangladesh on a missions trip, hoping for the obliteration of my sorry case of writers block through the incredible revelations I would supposedly receive. If you read my previous blog post, you would understand how this did not exactly come to pass.

The message of this song really began out of mild agony and a bit of self loathing, the desire to reject it and God's redemptive power through it all. After returning from my trip to the town of Khulna in Bangladesh, I felt weary and sorrowful, which resulted in pain relieving tears and self-centred sulking. I really just wanted to go back to Khulna or end the trip then and there. I missed the people and the fun in Khulna and I was finding it difficult to engage with my team. I didn't want to deal with these less than pleasant feelings and I had an image of just letting them sink deep into the muddy mess I felt was my heart, never to be seen again. While journalling one of those sad mornings I wrote:

 "I can't hardly keep my tears back. I like crying, it feels better. Gods grace like a fetter will bind my wandering heart to Him and His love endures forever. I am so privileged and thankful for the opportunity to be here. Even to go through this pain. And I write all of this with tears running down my face. I hardly know why I am crying so much. I can do this. I can move on. But I pray God will keep some of the ache for Khulna in my heart so that I will always remember to pray for them."

After journaling some more I picked up the uke and started to play that old familiar tune, and from the messy contents of my heart, flowed these phrases:

"Don't wanna heart of sinking sand. Don't wanna heart of stone."

I couldn't think of anything else for the verse so I skipped to the chorus and sang:

 "Don't wanna run away, escape. Sufficient for me, Your grace."

Much to my chagrin, my pursuit for the perfect lyrics was fruitless during the remainder of my adventures in Bangladesh and I gave up the notion that I might be a lyricist in the making. As it turned out God wasn't finished teaching me the rest of the message of my song.  He used my joblessness and other related disappointments and joys, during the rest of my summer back in Canada, to pull me towards Himself. And through our deepening relationship He helped me realize that, more than anything, I needed to rest in the fact that He loves me and has everything worked out. I just needed to trust and follow Him. So finally, after learning these lessons, on the fourth of August, I was jamming with a friend of mine. He encouraged me to finish the songs that I had started (I had an even older song on the back-burner as well, but thats another story). I agreed to try and later sat under a tree in Queens Park asking God to finish my songs, and did He ever! I can tell you this, never before had I experienced such a rapid flow of lyrics that made such truthful sense to me. Let me explain.

Verse 1
Don't wanna heart of sinking sand
Don't wanna heart of stone
My soul will thirst for rivers flowing out of heaven
My eyes look on the Son

The first two lines, as I explained above, speak about my desire to submit to the transforming work that God was doing through the uncomfortable issues I was experiencing in Bangladesh. The last two phrases refer to the biblical picture of life-giving water that represents the abundant truth of God and my desire to always focus the eyes of my heart on Jesus, the Son of God, from which true life flows.

Chorus
Oh, Don't wanna run away, escape
Sufficient for me, Your grace
Your love is finely woven through my being
And I will follow

The beginning pair of phrases, as mentioned above, refer to my desire to face my messy problems and that, through my weaknesses, God would show Himself strong. The second two lines contains the title of this song. They speak of the integral role Jesus Christ plays in my life. And I will say that the use of the words "finely woven" are also a nod to one of my favourite phrases, which is actually the title of the song, "Oh How Beautiful this Finely Woven Earth".

Verse 2
The beating of Your loving heart
Sustains my every move
The desperation of this hungry world looks quenchless
They'll find a hope in You

A heartbeat is essential for living, no? The first two lines of the second verse refer to Jesus' love, truth, mission (the beating of His heart) being vital to everything I do. The following lines speak about how this world searches endlessly for what will satisfy, and how the cycles of spiritual, emotional, societal, and relational decay seem hopeless. But in truth, Jesus is the hope of the world.

I can truthfully say that every phrase in this song is so true for me that I often just pray the song randomly throughout the day. I can't help but smile when I sing them.

Adventures in Bangladesh: A Summary

I met God in Bangladesh, expecting my mind to be blown. On May 1, 2013, I had left Canada with visions of incredible experiences and encounters that would result in radical transformation. What I received was less extravagant. Transformation was evident but it was much more subtle than I had imagined it would be. It was continued in some areas, set in motion in others, but never immediately produced or completed as I had hoped. Let me tell you how God opened my eyes to the way that He works and taught me many things about His Kingdom and His plan for me.   

Our team of seventeen students and four staff was split up into four groups. Each group was assigned a placement in which they would volunteer for the entire month we would be staying in Dhaka, the capital of Bangladesh. My group was given an entirely new experience away from Dhaka. During the first week, we traveled on a twelve-hour train ride to Khulna in which we met George, the Bible Students Fellowship of Bangladesh (BSFB) staff member for Khulna. For the next week he led us around Khulna to different village Bible study groups. We sang, shared testimonies and fellowshipped with the people as they shared their homes with us. The warm welcome and hospitality we received was so humbling and such an encouragement. We saw the joy of the Lord in those villages, even amidst the surrounding poverty. This first week was so exciting for me. I was enjoying our experience so much. Despite these pleasant feelings I was not free of personal battles. I had entered the trip with fears that leaving my comfort zone for the sake of personal growth and helping others was something with which I would struggle. And struggle I did. I found that opening up to my group-mates and confidently stepping up to certain tasks was a challenge for me. Much to my dismay and irritation, it would be a constant battle during the entire trip. 

There were tears in my eyes as we made the long train ride back to Dhaka, where we would stay for the next three weeks. I truly loved the people I met in Khulna, and knowing I might never see them again was difficult to bear. For the next two days I was very unhappy and just wanted to be back in beautiful Khulna, with the wonderful people, the open spaces and greenery, and those exciting CNGs that didn’t have cages on them like in Dhaka (CNGs are somewhat like a golf cart and function as a sort of taxi). It was then that I began to realize that not only was I sulking but that I was also neglecting the community of my fellow mission-mates. I had thought that I had understood the value of community with believers, but I found myself disengaging to maintain my own pride and comfort. I disliked the group “therapy” sessions and found it difficult to remain attentive during the manuscript bible studies. I became very annoyed with myself and wondered why God brought me on the trip if all I was to see was my own withdrawal and failures. I began to meditate on Psalm 139, which talks about God creating, knowing and loving me. It wasn’t easy but reminding myself of these truths helped me to be more intentional about engaging with community and looking more intently to see what God desired to teach me.

During the next three weeks our group conducted a few English-speaking workshops at different universities in Dhaka and helped out at the Salvation Army Leprosy Clinic. It was a challenge for our group to come up with a lesson plan for the workshops when we knew little about teaching our native language. What we finally prepared was well received and it was wonderful to see the students desire to learn and make a difference in their country. The fact that they were pushing on ahead despite the hardship some of them faced, was inspiring and humbling. I was sad that we didn’t get to carry on relationships with these students but I knew that we helped motivate and inspire them.  

At the Clinic we were taught about leprosy, tuberculosis and the cycles of poverty in slum life. Joya, one of the nurses led us around the surrounding slums and we met previous or current leprosy patients. The poverty that we saw was heartbreaking. I remember seeing children whose ribs were showing or who were wearing very dirty, worn clothing. Filthy streams snaked through the garbage littered streets and pathways and the shacks they lived in were very worn down. Despite this the smiles of the people lit up their faces. They loved to talk to us and we conversed with the little Bangla that we knew. One day we went to a skin clinic, set up by the Salvation Army Clinic staff. People came for free diagnosis and treatment of skin infections. I saw family after family come in and leave with medication. I was so glad to see that their needs were being met to some degree, but was saddened by the fact that the cycle of poverty kept them from the education and work that would keep them from malnourishment and diseases. I felt so useless sitting there watching all of this happen, being able to do little else than smile and converse in limited Bangla. 

It was times like these that I wondered how we were helping these people by being there. I asked God in frustration, “What am I doing here? And what’s with all these issues of mine rearing their ugly heads?” I can look back now and see how my experience stimulated such growth in my heart. It pushed me to step outside my cushioned existence, to care about the plight of people who live far from my home, to embrace the Christian community around me and to look beyond my comfortable career goals. God reminded me to value each day, holding Him in highest esteem, throwing my life, not to ruin but to the sovereign hands of the One who made me. I look back and my mind is blown by the simple truth that God loves us enough to bring His children together even across miles and miles of land and sea to lead us into the truth that will transform our lives. It is often difficult to see Gods work in the small disappointments, feelings of failure, the hardships and the monotony of some circumstances that we face. This was often my lot in Bangladesh. But the comforting truth is that He really uses those situations for our good. I came back with a new perspective, a heart for oversees missions, a love for the people I left in Bangladesh and a desire to use the abundant resources here at my fingertips for the glory of God and the advancement of His Kingdom. I would like to encourage all of you to seize each day and to hold high the interests of the Kingdom of God above every dream and every comfort you possess. It will be worth it in the end.